About me and you, and everyone else

Hello depression!

2008-12-01T04:14:00.000-08:00

Here I am! Enjoy me baby!

I'm the guy who is not capable to solve his own problems. Life seems too heavy. Everything is boring. Only Jesus could help me but I don't believe that after his death he flew up in the sky.

So, I am really lost!

But I still have you my dear followers (just four of you but thats enough anyway). Please share your pain with me! And please give me some advices how not to go insane! Other wise I'm not sure whether I will be capable to continue writing this medium interesting blog.

And those who believe in God, please pray Him for me! Ask Him just to give me more peace!

Dedicated to all broken hearts

2008-11-26T10:31:00.000-08:00

The most important things are so simple.

How do you know, that she is the one and the only and what you will never get any better, because there will never be need?

Is she (my present love of my life) bad? No, she's almost perfect for me and she loves me so much, but I don't love her as much as my previous big love who didn't loved me the same much as I loved her. Is it the way life should be? Always the level of loving is not equal. And isn't it strange that, even as it is believed that love can't be measured, one can feel not equal levels of loving.

And by the way, the sexual events were much nicer with my previous love. She was best of all I've ever tried (not that much actually). She was so much the one - once you saw her, you are immediately sure that she is the one and the only. Three years have passed since we split, but still... Even if I don't suffer deep pain any more, I doubt whether best choice is to stay together with women who loves me, but I will never be satisfied enough? I address this question to all broken hearts, who have been broken so much (like hell) but who didn't die. Ha, ha... Didn't die...

Guys, do you know the answer? What to do? Is it so, that you just have to reconcile with the fact that you are not meant to be really happy? But is there really honest being together possible at all?

Now it's your turn to change your life!

2008-11-22T08:29:00.000-08:00

Since I'm a blogger, I've noticed some changes in my habits, thoughts, etc.

First thing I've noticed, I am composing new posts in my mind. These are usually very interesting ideas, but unfortunately later I can't remember even what was they about. I'm sure every blogger have met this problem. Usually I compose stories about me and my girlfriend - about our painful being together. Sometimes I compose stories about my sexual experience - about masturbation as well and about my dreams to have some sexual experience with some beautiful girl which is not my girlfriend. Another very popular topic is about my country (which I hate a lot), how stupid it is. But there are some problems about talking about my country since I want to remain anonymous.
Another thing is: I want to be alone with my blog. I don't want her (my girlfriend) to be with me in the room, cause I want to spend my time with my new love of my life.
I've become more interested in blog as the phenomena of modern life. I've noticed that I can live two lives simultaneously. Isn't that great? Probably it is.
Since I spend more and more time with computer, I feel tired and I have headache more often. It is not nice.
I feel like I have new friends.
I wonder, how far will I go with that anonymous blogging? How honest can I be with internet readers? At the moment I can swear that I haven't lied jet. I will try not to lie!

Ah, by the way, all these photos (except in first two posts) I took with my cellphone (2.0 Mpx). I like to take pictures with my phone. I think thats nicer than taking pictures with real camera.

New drugs

2008-11-18T16:49:00.000-08:00

Isn't it so: as more followers you have as more you want (need)?

Even if I really like my present followers, cause they made beautiful comments on my previous posts and helped me rise my self confidence, now I'm absolutely sure - I need more.

I get really strange feelings, when I imagine how would it be if I'd had about 100 followers, and I still tell them my stories, but still nobody knows who I am. It would be really something new for me. Now I'll tell you something. Actually in my country I've been experiencing nation wide fame a bit. I was a side man in very famous pop rock band. I played guitar there. I still play but not any more in that band. That band doesn't exist any more. But I don't care. I know it sounds like a lie, but I just remembered that this is pretty interesting fact about me.

Ok. Battery is low. I have to post now and sleep well. See you soon!

What is your occupation?

2008-11-17T09:45:00.000-08:00

Here we go again, my dear followers (at the moment just two of them)! I know that you have been waiting so long. I'm so sorry!

Of course not. You wasn't longing for me. Everybody here in this blogger-world cares only about their selfs. But that's normal.

Anyway I want to tell you, my dear blog-reader, why you had to meet absence of me here for about a week. As I explained in previous publications (which of course you didn't read) I share my life with the girl I met accidentally pretty soon after I lost my previous love of my life. But I'm not going to complain about my painful life. I just want to excuse my disappearance from this beautiful conversation room. So, now I'll tell you the truth. My absence was only because I didn't had any little moment to make new post. I'm trying to hide this blog from any person from my real life: from any friend, relative... From any people who may know me. Why? Cause this is an experiment for me. I want to figure out, how honestly one (I mean me) can talk about him self in front of unknown audience, if he is sure that he can remain anonymous. And thats the reason why I have to catch every moment when I can sit alone with computer. And sometimes I cant get this. I have to hide as a thief. And so, here I am again speaking with you my dear friend whom I'll probably never meet. It's a pity, cause I've already noticed some nice people hear in blogger.com which I'd really like to talk with. Actually I'm talking about female beings only.

Last sentence made me think for a while. I'm still not very sure wether I am interested in sexual experience with men or not. Even if it sounds not very interesting to you, I feel like I'm really not a gay. But I can not refuse that sometimes I check guys as well, wether they are pretty or not... Hm...

I wonder, what kind of people could be interested in my blog the most? Psychologists? Psychos? Some, who are the same? Some pretty girls?

If you read my blog for some reason, can you please tell me what is your occupation? Thank you very much!

Is there a God?

2008-11-13T06:14:00.000-08:00

Isn't it one of the most important questions? Probably it is... Ha, ha, ha...

Do you say that there is a God? Why do you say that? Do you know that? Hm... Maybe you just believe that there is a God?

Do I hear you saying that there is no God? How do you know that? Maybe you just believe that there is no God?

Is there any difference between believing and knowing? Should I answer this? No, better you do!

So, at last:

Is there a God?

Isn't it one of the most stupid and senseless questions?

You say, not me...

I will go insane!

2008-11-09T05:07:00.000-08:00

If no one will become my follower with flowers...

I return and return, and return to my blog, but still nothing. Would you care if I would commit suicide?

How can I deal with the needs of my ego? And by the way, single sexual experience doesn't help to rise the self confidence.

Oh mummy, where is your shoulder? I really want to cry on it.

Yeah! I'm sure, those of you who are smart enough already noticed that this is LIE!

Lie, lie, lie!

When do you call your self an alcoholic?

2008-11-09T03:04:00.000-08:00

I'll tell you something about my life.

My first experience with alcohol probably was when I was still in a stage of embryo. My father loved to drink. Probably my mother, too. She never tells me, wether she was partying a lot when she was young.

My second experience was pretty late, actually. It was when I was sixteen. I drunk one beer and got really high. I had hangover next day as well. Since that time I started to drink more often. Then at the age of 21 I quitted for about 2 and a half year, because I became a christian. Of course I quitted being christian as well, cause I wanted to fuck with girls without any guilt and fear from burning in the hell. So I started to drink again. And I really enjoy that. The only thing that I don't like about drinking is, that after every hard core drinking night I can feel that my memory is getting worse. Also I don't like big hangover, cause it makes me feel like junky.

But what do I like about drinking?

First of all, when I drink, I feel kind of happy. I can introduce with other people very easy and usually they like me very much. I can make some young girl believe that I am the coolest guy on the planet. I can make everyone dance and laugh even if it looks like party is over. I can even make some aggressive way looking russian guy believe that we will be friends for ever. Usually I become brave as well. Sometimes I become life wise and I tell everyone the biggest secrets of the Universe. Sometimes I act like really depressed philosopher and I start some heavy talk with the guy who's standing next to me at the bar. Yeah, this is the hardest one, cause sometimes this guy is capable to figure out that I'm not very good at philosophy. Then I usually have very bad feeling afterwards and next day I always have terrible hangover.

Oh, yeah! In picture it's not me. It is just some handsome guy in a night club.

Followers with flowers

2008-11-08T13:10:00.000-08:00

As I told you, I will try to be honest. So, what am I really worried about now is how will others know about my blog. Where can they find me? You know, I'm newbie to blogging. So, I wonder.

Now you probably see the truth. I'm really small. I have very small needs. I just need followers. Thats what I'm really worried about.

Jesus also needed followers. Without followers he would never become the savior. And without followers he would never be so inspired that he would tell his speech on the hill. How many times have you read this speech? I've been reading this about three times. And to be really honest with you, I doubt wether it has played a particular role in my life.

But I still love Jesus. Why not to love him? I think he's really worth to be loved. Even if I don't know what he really was like, I feel I can still go on with loving my own, personal Jesus. Nobody cares anyway.

Should it be special?

2008-11-08T11:39:00.000-08:00

My first post.

Ah! By the way english is not my first language. Nor second. So, those who expect literally correct text - see you soon!

Here we go. Life is a miracle, they say. One friend of mine asked: Who told that all the miracles are nice? I like him. He is so ironic about every thing. He could fall asleep even sitting next while I was practicing guitar with metronome. He married a woman which is not pretty. Respect. Thats that I call a true what ever attitude to the life.

I'm no better. The girl, which I hate, is my love. She's siting two meters from me and my laptop at the moment and she has no idea what am I doing right now. After I'll post this we'll go to McDonalds to eat something. We are lazy to cook because of our dishonest relations. We lie to each other that we love each other. Thats life.

Oh no, she's close, she's asking, whether we go or what?

So we went and now we're back. Of course I had to close my laptop very fast and in a manner which doesn't look suspicious. I did well.

To some of you probably this sound kind of sign of weakness that I complain about my love, but even those who feel like the best man in relation are still telling lies to them selfs. I'm sure of that. Man has to lie always. Especially to them selfs.

So, what am I doing here? I will try to be very honest with me and you and everyone else.